Handicapping the 2007 Championship Odds (Equine Edition)
I was killing time on the league site the other day and stumbled onto something no one asked for but yet is deeply profound – I’ve cracked the code on figuring out who will win the 2007 Super Bowl. It all hinges on, it turns out, horseys. Tell me if you can spot the trend among our past Champs:
2006 — Broncos. Bronco = A wild horse. Obviously. 2005 — Cowboys. And what does a Cowboy ride? Horse2004 — Chargers. Technically, a "charger" is a term for a horse ridden into battle, and it’s what the team was named after. 2003 — Colts. Colts = A little tiny baby horse.
Four champions. Four horse or horse-adjacent teams. Is that some random coincidence, or a 100% predictor of how 2007 will play out? Obviously, the latter. Am I shamelessly trying to earn some cheap APs? Who’s to say.
Either way, as a public service, I've ranked the 2007 championship odds for each team, based purely on how horse-related they are. Draft picks…game plans…freak late season injuries — none of it matters. It’s only about horses.
Tier 1: The Thoroughbreds (co-favorites)
Colts +150 | Broncos +150 | Chargers +200 | Cowboys +250
The current line of winners. Colts and Broncos are just straight-up horses, no notes. Chargers get included though now they’re mostly just about lightning bolts or whatever. And Cowboys, come on — you don't get the hat and the boots without the horse, it's a package deal. Four equine-related teams have won all four championships in league history. Draw your own conclusions. I already have.
Tier 2: Legitimate Horsemen
Bills +700 | Patriots +800
Buffalo Bill Cody did actual, literal horse tricks for money in front of paying crowds — riding, roping, shooting off horseback, the whole old west horse thing. That's not a stretch, that's a résumé. Meanwhile the Patriots in New England? That’s totally Paul Revere, a guy whose entire historical resume is "rode a horse real fast one time." Take away the horse and he's just a dude who yelled in the street and then went home.
Chiefs +900 | Redskins +900
OK, I’m not going to do some deep dive into these teams for politically correct reasons, especially the whole “Redskin” thing. But think of Native Americans and you’re likely thinking of some majestic scene set on the Plains…riding a horse. These iconic images literally spawned an entire genre of Hollywood movies. Say what you want about the names, the odds don't lie.
Raiders +1200
Hear me out here. A Raider can be man things. My first thought - Genghis Khan and his Mongol horde basically conquered half the known world on horseback and did a lot of raiding while they were at it. Is that a reasonable justification for the Oakland Raiders specifically? Probably not. Am I using it anyway? Of course.
Tier 3: Sort of Horse-Adjacent If You Squint
Texans +1500 | Vikings +2500 | 49ers +2500
I actually googled the Vikings thing to check myself and the internet confirms: Vikings used horses extensively for transportation, farm work, and raiding logistics. So there's a real basis there, it's just that nobody's mental image of a Viking is "guy on a horse," it's "guy on a boat." The 49ers get lumped in here for a similar reason — yeah, the Gold Rush era had horses around, but c’mon, I’m picturing mostly mules and hauling gear up mountains, which is a much less glamorous animal to be associated with. Still counts for something…just not much. And the Texans sneak in on cattle-adjacency — nobody's calling a Texan a cowboy outright, but they have a steer on the helmet so for these purposes, close enough.
Tier 4: Other Barely Relevant Humans
Steelers +4000 | Saints +4000 | Buccaneers +4000 | Giants +4000 | Titans +4000 | Packers +4000
All of these are, at minimum, people who could ride horses. That's about the whole argument. A Steeler could ride a horse. A Saint presumably could too, but if he can perform miracles he’d probably just conjure up an Uber. A Buccaneer could theoretically ride a horse right up until he got back on his boat, at which point the horse becomes a huge liability. And so maybe this kind of pirate is about the same as a Viking, but I’m keeping it here, mostly because it’s a pain in the ass to switch it around. Lastly, Giants and Titans belong here too — sure, they COULD ride a horse, but it would have to be a genuinely enormous horse. Like fucking full on Clydesdales, maybe two tied together, and at that point you're not really riding a horse so much as squashing it. That’s just science. Same with Packers, which are meat packers. Maybe they’re packing horse meat? Hmm – maybe I’m on to something there…Either way, not a lot of chance these guys will be getting a ring.
Tier 5: The Birds (that could, conceivably, perch on a horse)
Falcons +6000 | Eagles +6000 | Ravens +6000 | Seahawks +6000 | Cardinals +6000
This is where teams really start becoming irrelevant in terms of having a relation to horses. A bird could physically land on a horse's back. It's light, it happens on actual farms, the geometry checks out. Doesn't mean it would happen, but that's more credibility than most of what's left on this list. But no one thinks of a Cardinal and goes, oh yeah – like with horses?
Tier 6: The Big Cats (that could not, in reality, ride a horse)
Panthers +10000 | Lions +10000 | Jaguars +10000 | Bengals +10000
A big cat and a horse in the same space is not a relationship, it's lunch. The horse does not consent to this arrangement and frankly neither would I if I were the horse. Sorry to the cat teams, but the food chain is working against you here and you are not winning it all in 2007.
Tier 7: Just Nope
Bears +15000 | Rams +15000
At this point we’re just randomly grouping animals and starting to focus more on who would win in a fight. A Bear could absolutely kick a horse’s ass, but we’re so far removed from horses at this point, it doesn’t matter. I will say, I kind of enjoy thinking about a Ram as it relates to a horse. Does the Ram ride the horse standing on its hooves? Do they hang out? Is there weird sexual tension? We may never know and it doesn’t matter as neither of these have any relation to horses. Sadly, Chicago and St. Louis go home empty-handed.
Tier 8: The Calgary Stampeders Have Better Odds
Dolphins +25000 | Browns +25000 | Jets +25000
And here we have it – the bottom of the barrel. Not only is a Dolphin unable to ride a horse, doing so would kill it. As for the Jets, a Jet is a plane. The closest relation is that the real Jets play like horse shit. And the Browns…I mean, I guess some horses are brown. But that is some tenuous shit. In short, don’t bet on these non-horse teams to hoist a Lombardi trophy anytime soon.
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